songofsong | baby meme } for live

Over the many times River had come to see Methos, she never thought she'd one day be doing so like this. Normally, she crashes into his carefully-built life, sometimes quite literally, sweeping him up into adventure, or into bed, or sometimes both. That was their relationship, it was how it had been, in his case, for hundreds of years. But today, her arrival will have significantly more impact than it'll ever have.

She takes care in tracking Methos down, she chooses her time and place, to make sure he's known her long enough, that their relationship is strong enough. That's all she can hope for, as she makes her way into his house, as she often does, where she'll wait for him to return home. She's not familiar with this house, so she takes her time to study it, pick up clues about the new life he's made for himself. She takes note of the books on the shelves, pictures on the wall, trying to form a picture of the Methos she'll meet today.

She only hopes it's one who'll be ready for this bombshell - because River Song is pregnant.

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“I wouldn’t let that happen,” River says with a small laugh, but her smile begins to soften when she recognises the genuine concern in Methos’ voice. She doesn’t mean to sound flippant, but this is the life she knows and the madness seems so normal to her now.

“I wouldn’t,” she repeats more seriously. “It’s a big universe out there, Methos. So many places we could go, far away from Earth. Imagine that - not having to sleep with one eye open in fear that someone is coming for your head.”

She tries to show him the possibilities, the opportunities this could give him - but she knows she can’t force him, and she wouldn’t. But she needs him to at least consider the option, just as she’s considering staying put on Earth for him.

There was that benefit, surely. Methos' eyes did seem to lesson in their apparent panic at River's madcap scheme for their familial future. Still could her idea actually work?

"We could... try it? For a bit." Perhaps. Still- "But what about the child? It would be hard for him or her to make friends, if we're always traveling about, wouldn't it?"

This is where the tragedy of River’s childhood is apparent, something like the child wanting to have friends is something she hadn’t even considered. She’d been brought up alone in an orphanage with only the Silence and a senile old man for company, to her, escaping and travelling the universe was infinitely better.

She watches him for a long moment, as though something is only just starting to sink in - that she really has no idea how to give her child what they need, because she’s never had it herself. She wants to give them safety and security, she wants to hide them from the dangers she faced. To her, that means her child will never be apart from her, they’ll never have to fight to survive, or die on the streets looking for someone who cared about them.

That’s what matters to her, so much so that she’d forgotten about the simple basics any child deserves to have. She suddenly feels inherently selfish, even if she hadn’t intended to be, and the confusing clash of emotions makes her pull away from Methos.

She’s scared of her child facing the things she had, and also she’s scared she’s not fit to be a mother.

He knew full well that her childhood had been fraught, which had been part of his reasoning in thinking that flitting through time might not be the healthiest thing for a child to develop lasting relationships outside of ones parents, in their case. He knew River hadn't had even that luxury of knowing her parents as a child. Still, he regretted saying it aloud after seeing the expression on her face, her movement away from him.

Perhaps it had needed said, still he hated see the firecracker of a woman, the woman that he'd loved, looking so full of self-doubt.

"River..." he started as she moved back, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

She doesn’t answer immediately, turned away from him, directing her pained expression elsewhere. There are tears in her eyes that she tries her hardest not to let fall, but the emotional wallop isn’t just the pain of not knowing what her son or daughter might need, but knowing that the reason why is because she never had it. Even now, the consequences of being kidnapped as a baby still have their hold on her.

She’s soldiered through much of that pain, she’s had to. Somehow she’s faced all that life has thrown at her with cheeky grins and flippant innuendoes, but every now and then, that facade can break, and this is a crack that she’s tried to hold together for a long time.

“But it’s true, isn’t it?” she eventually says, her voice soft, barely there. “I don’t know what a childhood is. I was taken from my mother the day I was born.”

She looks towards Methos, her eyes pained. “How can I be a mother when I never had one?”

As soon as she says that, she’s pained for a whole other reason and her hand covers her eyes. She loves Amy, and none of this had been her fault, but her mother had never been a mother, They both knew that, even if they never wanted to address it.

"Plenty of people have made amazing parents whose own parents weren't there. That isn't want makes someone good at it. You'll love them. Do your best. That's all anyone can do. They'll probably be a little messed up-" he smiled trying to make her smile in turn, "But all of us are, so that's unavoidable."

Methos moved toward her, intent to get her to turn around and he could wrap his arms around her once more. "We can travel, River. But perhaps we can return here for longer periods so they have some stability at the same time?"

Slowly, River looks towards him at his assurance, eyes gradually meeting his as she seeks them for validation. It’s near unheard of that River would doubt herself so openly, such feelings are often carefully masked beneath layers of confidence and innuendo. To expose herself this way now, shows both great trust in Methos, and the strength of her concern for her unborn child.

She smiles somewhat weakly at the joke he makes, letting him gather her back up in his arms, leaning her head to his temple.

“That would be good,” she answers, her voice soft. “Stability is good.” It’s something she never had, and something she longs her own child to know. “But travelling too. There’s so much out there, Methos. I can’t deny them that. It’s beautiful.” She smiles at him, feeling a little more reassured. Any child of hers would be a born traveller, but she still wants them to know security she never had.

"Then we'll show it to them." Methos had planned to see it all himself without the aid of time travel, but he had to confess a curiosity to see it sooner. Not that he'd be likely to admit that aloud any time soon. "And we'll make sure they know they are loved." That was all they could do and this child would be. They would be cherished.

"Always," she promises, without a moment's thought. Never would she let any son or daughter of hers feel anything less than that. She looks to Methos, her eyes meeting his as she smiles. "Just as I love you." She doesn't hold back in saying it, she doesn't have to anymore, and when he's past the point of not knowing, she'll never pass an opportunity to remind him how important he is to her. Not just anybody can keep River coming back time and time again, that makes him very special indeed.

baby meme } for live_growstronger

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